Scene Four

We return from Katherina’s world back to the drawing room. Dorothea is eager she reaches the conclusion and chimes in.

Madam! If I do not interrupt you, you will make this digression too long. What will all this come to?

That day the young historio put on the face of a muthering hector, as though love was now his business. But in short, I come to the end of the lady’s stratagem.

Yes, that’s what I’ve been waiting for!

After escaping the confines of the cupboard, the young heir was not called back as he expected. He discovered in himself symptoms of sorrow and repentance for his past coldness, and bitter jealousy. He called for pen and ink and wrote her a patient and humble letter an attempt to mend the damage done.

And what was the effect of this?

The queen returned an answer, of force enough to revive his drooping spirits. However, what she said exactly, I have forgotten – but I can assure you that within three days she had claimed her portion of his estate.

If your memory could be so kind as to remember any of them, pray oblige me with a repetition of the letter’s contents? It may be useful to me.

Oh alright. The parts I remember best comprise these words:

Please Forgive Me

I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I AM SO DESPERATE FOR YOU TO LOVE ME PLEASE LOVE ME! PLEASE! LOVE ME BACK! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID BEFORE! WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DON’T YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE? WHY WON’T YOU KISS ME ON THE MOUTH WHY AREN’T YOU INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME? SHOULD I EAT MORE? SHOULD I EAT LESS? YOU CAN GIVE ME VERY EXACT INSTRUCTIONS I WILL ONLY EAT PEAS AND CHICKEN WITH PEPPER IF YOU WANT ME TO. I’M SORRY I’M A LAZY LOVER I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE IT’S LIKE DRAWING BLOOD FROM A STONE AND I’M SO TIRED. I AM WORKING SO HARD! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT WOULD I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU WANT ME AGAIN JUST TELL ME AND I’LL DO IT PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU I JUST WANT YOU BACK. I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS I DIDN’T DO ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE SAID I AM SO FILLED WITH REGRET. PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME, PLEASE LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID BEFORE.

Katherina

English haberdashery

This letter is a little excessive surely? Tedious no?

Daughter! Do not invite yourself for dinner and then complain about the dish!

Pardon me, Madam. Everything has its defects.

Your eloquence, as if it were an artificial composition, has no small resemblance to the body. For it pretends to be a distinction of members, some essential, others for ornament, which together, create a perfect work. Like English haberdashery is the complement to a petticoat or the cunt is the complement to the venereal act, so is a well-chosen adjective in your persuasions! [She clears her throat, she carries on in a clipped tone, as though a little flustered]

Assure yourself, Dorothea, that nothing advance’s a whore’s credit and reputation more than external appearances of pomp and grandeur. A stately deportment in her looks, gestures and words forcibly extort respect and veneration. Equally, costly clothes, English haberdashery, rich fabrics purchased from a splendid –

Hinges

[Looks bored and impatient] Haven’t we covered this already, Mother?

[Snaps] Pray, girl, do not put me off the hinges! Do you know how Seneca excuses his repetition of the same precepts?

[sheepishly] No…

Because people are again and again guilty of the same vices. Therefore, you ought to hear my precepts over and over!

Yes Madam.

Right. As I was saying – and do not interrupt me to find fault in the word! The world is not governed by good and evil, so much as taste; for example, as a man may swallow a sliced salt herring for the best anchovies, he will pay his money as cheerfully as if he had got a sincere treat. Equally, one may pay for a Duchess and in reality embrace a common prostitute.

[Looking to recover from her scoulding] Although it is fit that a man should first sow his coin before he is suffered to reap the fruit of his pleasure. And methinks he should be laughed at if he expects any other: what would his tailor say to him, if he came to intreat the gift of some English haberdashery; or his draper, if he asked half a dozen yards of cloth without money?

[lips curling with smug satisfaction] Precisely my dear! May the first day’s lesson conclude here! [She slaps her hand on the table and stands].